This is rare..

..not that Im posting again so soon, although that too is rare, but that Im posting something so personal, yet so vague. It might not make any sense, but thats ok, Im trying a new thing this year. I am being me. Regardless how that changes your opinion of me. So here's to a better, more honest me, here's to more blog posts, here's to random ramblings and telling people how I really feel.

My blog is now going to be a place for me to write, to get things out of my mind, to record things, not a place where I try to please people, I am no longer going to be interested in what I think people will want to read, if you don't like it don't read it. I am ok with that :). Its about me for a while. No apologizing for length, or rambling, or plain not making sense anymore.

Also, this post isn't about any of my friends, so don't feel singled out. I love my friends dearly.



"I don't want us to fall apart today or ever, you're the one who said you'd never leave. Theres no good reason for giving up, all this mess is just bad luck. So please don't lose your confidence in me. I wish I wasn't so fragile, because I know that Im not easy to handle. I don't want to feel like this, but Im so tired of missing you. And I don't want to beg for your time, I want you mine all mine. I bet you smile when you think of me."



I don't typically like to make New Years resolutions, I think its kind of a cliche, that if there is something in your life you want to change why do you need to wait for one specific day to change it? However, I am learning that it can be a powerful time, that it can give you the motivation and the guts to actually do what needs to be done. I am also learning that sometimes, more often that not, what needs to be done is the very last, and very hardest, thing to do. And when you finally open your eyes and accept that you can no longer blind and fool yourself it can seem easier to try and fool yourself some more than to actually fix the issue. And it truly sucks when you know you can't do that, when you know without a doubt what has to be done.

I have a hard time with change, I think thats fairly common actually, but I do, even when the change is for the better. Even when the change means cutting out the negative. Change is hard, change is unpleasant, change is work, BUT change opens the door for better, happier, more positive things. Even though at the time more positive, happier things are hard to conceive, they're still there. I think I fear, and I hate change to the point that it actually makes me feel ill, it makes me doubt myself, second guess what I know to be right.

I feel like such a failure, my life is nowhere near as together as it should be and the people I thought were important to me, people I thought mattered let me down. Maybe its that I expect to much, or that I expect to be let down so I set people up for failure. Its probably the latter one. But regardless, I thought I had it all figured out, I don't. Not a single thing I thought I wanted or I thought I had planned out works, and the people I thought I could rely on? I can't. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe I push people away. It is easier, safer, smarter to rely on nobody. Its not worth being vulnerable. I guess I feel like its better to not need someone than to come to need them only to have them not be there.

I find it funny, that something can disgust you so much, and make you feel like complete crap and so used and worthless, yet be entirely humorous. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or be angry, or, better yet, to just move on. Patience doesn't always pay off my friends, patience can come back to bite you in the behind in a big way. But, jokes on you, not me. Because I know who I am, you might not, and thats your loss, and either way, I am going to be just fine, and I have faith that karma is a big, fat, jerk.

Actually, I have a lot of faith in a lot of things. I have faith in true friends, I have faith in God, I have faith that if I do what is right, no matter how hard, I will be blessed.

So, its a new year, and as silly as it is, its time to make some changes.