Im not very good at balancing things, my life is probably no more chaotic than anyone else's but I feel like everyone else can keep it all together so much better than I can, at least thats how it appears from the outside.
I thought I was pretty good at faking it, but lately, Im not. Maybe I take too much on, maybe I expect too much of myself, maybe that failure thing I talked about last time, just maybe I set myself up for failure along with everyone else in my life.
But this is the time for change right? What better time then now to change things, even if that change means simply not caring.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
This is rare..
..not that Im posting again so soon, although that too is rare, but that Im posting something so personal, yet so vague. It might not make any sense, but thats ok, Im trying a new thing this year. I am being me. Regardless how that changes your opinion of me. So here's to a better, more honest me, here's to more blog posts, here's to random ramblings and telling people how I really feel.
My blog is now going to be a place for me to write, to get things out of my mind, to record things, not a place where I try to please people, I am no longer going to be interested in what I think people will want to read, if you don't like it don't read it. I am ok with that :). Its about me for a while. No apologizing for length, or rambling, or plain not making sense anymore.
Also, this post isn't about any of my friends, so don't feel singled out. I love my friends dearly.
"I don't want us to fall apart today or ever, you're the one who said you'd never leave. Theres no good reason for giving up, all this mess is just bad luck. So please don't lose your confidence in me. I wish I wasn't so fragile, because I know that Im not easy to handle. I don't want to feel like this, but Im so tired of missing you. And I don't want to beg for your time, I want you mine all mine. I bet you smile when you think of me."
I don't typically like to make New Years resolutions, I think its kind of a cliche, that if there is something in your life you want to change why do you need to wait for one specific day to change it? However, I am learning that it can be a powerful time, that it can give you the motivation and the guts to actually do what needs to be done. I am also learning that sometimes, more often that not, what needs to be done is the very last, and very hardest, thing to do. And when you finally open your eyes and accept that you can no longer blind and fool yourself it can seem easier to try and fool yourself some more than to actually fix the issue. And it truly sucks when you know you can't do that, when you know without a doubt what has to be done.
I have a hard time with change, I think thats fairly common actually, but I do, even when the change is for the better. Even when the change means cutting out the negative. Change is hard, change is unpleasant, change is work, BUT change opens the door for better, happier, more positive things. Even though at the time more positive, happier things are hard to conceive, they're still there. I think I fear, and I hate change to the point that it actually makes me feel ill, it makes me doubt myself, second guess what I know to be right.
I feel like such a failure, my life is nowhere near as together as it should be and the people I thought were important to me, people I thought mattered let me down. Maybe its that I expect to much, or that I expect to be let down so I set people up for failure. Its probably the latter one. But regardless, I thought I had it all figured out, I don't. Not a single thing I thought I wanted or I thought I had planned out works, and the people I thought I could rely on? I can't. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe I push people away. It is easier, safer, smarter to rely on nobody. Its not worth being vulnerable. I guess I feel like its better to not need someone than to come to need them only to have them not be there.
I find it funny, that something can disgust you so much, and make you feel like complete crap and so used and worthless, yet be entirely humorous. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or be angry, or, better yet, to just move on. Patience doesn't always pay off my friends, patience can come back to bite you in the behind in a big way. But, jokes on you, not me. Because I know who I am, you might not, and thats your loss, and either way, I am going to be just fine, and I have faith that karma is a big, fat, jerk.
Actually, I have a lot of faith in a lot of things. I have faith in true friends, I have faith in God, I have faith that if I do what is right, no matter how hard, I will be blessed.
So, its a new year, and as silly as it is, its time to make some changes.
My blog is now going to be a place for me to write, to get things out of my mind, to record things, not a place where I try to please people, I am no longer going to be interested in what I think people will want to read, if you don't like it don't read it. I am ok with that :). Its about me for a while. No apologizing for length, or rambling, or plain not making sense anymore.
Also, this post isn't about any of my friends, so don't feel singled out. I love my friends dearly.
"I don't want us to fall apart today or ever, you're the one who said you'd never leave. Theres no good reason for giving up, all this mess is just bad luck. So please don't lose your confidence in me. I wish I wasn't so fragile, because I know that Im not easy to handle. I don't want to feel like this, but Im so tired of missing you. And I don't want to beg for your time, I want you mine all mine. I bet you smile when you think of me."
I don't typically like to make New Years resolutions, I think its kind of a cliche, that if there is something in your life you want to change why do you need to wait for one specific day to change it? However, I am learning that it can be a powerful time, that it can give you the motivation and the guts to actually do what needs to be done. I am also learning that sometimes, more often that not, what needs to be done is the very last, and very hardest, thing to do. And when you finally open your eyes and accept that you can no longer blind and fool yourself it can seem easier to try and fool yourself some more than to actually fix the issue. And it truly sucks when you know you can't do that, when you know without a doubt what has to be done.
I have a hard time with change, I think thats fairly common actually, but I do, even when the change is for the better. Even when the change means cutting out the negative. Change is hard, change is unpleasant, change is work, BUT change opens the door for better, happier, more positive things. Even though at the time more positive, happier things are hard to conceive, they're still there. I think I fear, and I hate change to the point that it actually makes me feel ill, it makes me doubt myself, second guess what I know to be right.
I feel like such a failure, my life is nowhere near as together as it should be and the people I thought were important to me, people I thought mattered let me down. Maybe its that I expect to much, or that I expect to be let down so I set people up for failure. Its probably the latter one. But regardless, I thought I had it all figured out, I don't. Not a single thing I thought I wanted or I thought I had planned out works, and the people I thought I could rely on? I can't. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe I push people away. It is easier, safer, smarter to rely on nobody. Its not worth being vulnerable. I guess I feel like its better to not need someone than to come to need them only to have them not be there.
I find it funny, that something can disgust you so much, and make you feel like complete crap and so used and worthless, yet be entirely humorous. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or be angry, or, better yet, to just move on. Patience doesn't always pay off my friends, patience can come back to bite you in the behind in a big way. But, jokes on you, not me. Because I know who I am, you might not, and thats your loss, and either way, I am going to be just fine, and I have faith that karma is a big, fat, jerk.
Actually, I have a lot of faith in a lot of things. I have faith in true friends, I have faith in God, I have faith that if I do what is right, no matter how hard, I will be blessed.
So, its a new year, and as silly as it is, its time to make some changes.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
New macbook new post?
I think so! That and its been about 2 months since my last update..I won't even bother promising to update more since I clearly SUCK at it...I think my whole blog needs a facelift actually....but anyways, Id probably update more if my life was more exciting? At least thats what I tell myself...
2 months...and not a lot has happened, nothing worth going back over at least...thats a lie. I have learned a lot in two months, that stuff is worth going back over.
1. Sweat pants are a gift straight from the heavens. Especially those ones you swear nobody else can see you in (yes, you know you own some too). They're just so comfy and forgiving.
2. When you need them, your true friends are there no matter what....even if you're complaining about the same thing for the millionth time.
3. Doing the right thing often hurts. A lot.
4. Facebook can be downright depressing.
5. I *need* to work, I need to be continually learning or I lose my sanity; friends mentioned in #2 can attest to that.
6. I am incredibly good at helping people....and no, Im not being conceited here, I am actually good at it.
7. Good movies and good books can fix anything.
8. I LOVE the church, without the gospel I would be utterly lost (#2).
9. Sometimes things don't make sense, sometimes things don't go as planned...those are often the things you need to hold on to, to cherish, and to ENJOY.
10. Nothing lasts forever, don't stress about when it'll end, just enjoy it while you've got it.
I feel like there is a lot more Ive learned but being on the blogging spot like this turns my mind to mush...until next time my beloved readers...hopefully sooner than two months from now...xoxo
2 months...and not a lot has happened, nothing worth going back over at least...thats a lie. I have learned a lot in two months, that stuff is worth going back over.
1. Sweat pants are a gift straight from the heavens. Especially those ones you swear nobody else can see you in (yes, you know you own some too). They're just so comfy and forgiving.
2. When you need them, your true friends are there no matter what....even if you're complaining about the same thing for the millionth time.
3. Doing the right thing often hurts. A lot.
4. Facebook can be downright depressing.
5. I *need* to work, I need to be continually learning or I lose my sanity; friends mentioned in #2 can attest to that.
6. I am incredibly good at helping people....and no, Im not being conceited here, I am actually good at it.
7. Good movies and good books can fix anything.
8. I LOVE the church, without the gospel I would be utterly lost (#2).
9. Sometimes things don't make sense, sometimes things don't go as planned...those are often the things you need to hold on to, to cherish, and to ENJOY.
10. Nothing lasts forever, don't stress about when it'll end, just enjoy it while you've got it.
I feel like there is a lot more Ive learned but being on the blogging spot like this turns my mind to mush...until next time my beloved readers...hopefully sooner than two months from now...xoxo
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween!
Betcha ya'll thought Id forgotten about my blog....well I didnt! Ive just been too busy for a proper update...
Not that I really have anything to update on now, well no, thats not true, a lot has happened in my life but nothing I want to comment on at the moment :) So I thought Id bore you guys a bit with some rambles....
Life is funny. Its just plain funny sometimes, and even when its not sometiems you just have to laugh because the other options really suck. I am laughing right now, I'll let you guess if Im truly amused or avoiding other emotions.
Honestly, for the most part I am happy. I am a firm beliver that things happen for a reason, the people come into your life with a purpose, whether its for a lifetime or a short while. Nothing happens by chance and in the end everything works out. I have witnessed too many miracles not to beileve that.
I dont even remember what the last thing I talked about in my blog was, did I mention I got baptised? Yup, I did! And it was the best decision I could have ever made. Although slightlly ironic, life since I got baptised has gotten much more complicated/difficult. Its like Heavenly Father was making everything else in my life smooth so I could conquor the challenges I faced in my getting baptised and now its all right back to how it was...not that Im complaining, without challenges people dont grow....anyways, I talked last Sunday in church, not a full blown talk, but I was asked to bear my testimony/share some of my story, and I was terrified. But I am so glad I did it, all week I tried to think of something to say and nothing came to me and it wasnt until I was standing up there that I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I know it didnt fit in well with the missionary theme Scott was aiming for but I had to share my appreciation and my love for my friends in my ward.....
And on a much lighter, more enjoyable note; I BOUGHT AN E-READER! And I LOVE it. I am soooo in love with my Kobo.
This is probably pleanty long for tonight, and as usual, I promise to try to blog more!
Happy Halloween!!
Not that I really have anything to update on now, well no, thats not true, a lot has happened in my life but nothing I want to comment on at the moment :) So I thought Id bore you guys a bit with some rambles....
Life is funny. Its just plain funny sometimes, and even when its not sometiems you just have to laugh because the other options really suck. I am laughing right now, I'll let you guess if Im truly amused or avoiding other emotions.
Honestly, for the most part I am happy. I am a firm beliver that things happen for a reason, the people come into your life with a purpose, whether its for a lifetime or a short while. Nothing happens by chance and in the end everything works out. I have witnessed too many miracles not to beileve that.
I dont even remember what the last thing I talked about in my blog was, did I mention I got baptised? Yup, I did! And it was the best decision I could have ever made. Although slightlly ironic, life since I got baptised has gotten much more complicated/difficult. Its like Heavenly Father was making everything else in my life smooth so I could conquor the challenges I faced in my getting baptised and now its all right back to how it was...not that Im complaining, without challenges people dont grow....anyways, I talked last Sunday in church, not a full blown talk, but I was asked to bear my testimony/share some of my story, and I was terrified. But I am so glad I did it, all week I tried to think of something to say and nothing came to me and it wasnt until I was standing up there that I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I know it didnt fit in well with the missionary theme Scott was aiming for but I had to share my appreciation and my love for my friends in my ward.....
And on a much lighter, more enjoyable note; I BOUGHT AN E-READER! And I LOVE it. I am soooo in love with my Kobo.
This is probably pleanty long for tonight, and as usual, I promise to try to blog more!
Happy Halloween!!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
An Update?...and a ramble,,,
So, I failed. I didn't keep up with my blog as promised. I will get better though!
So whats new in my life? Not a lot, working, and I love my job! I love my co-works and my boss and the environment...I lucked out big time.
On another note, I CANNOT believe summer is almost over! I don't know where the time has gone. And while this summer didn't go exactly how I wanted its much better. Im a firm believer that things happen for a reason, people come into your lives as you need them, and some don't stay forever. And honestly? Thats ok. Because with each person there is something to learn, and one day there will be a person who IS going to stick around forever, and I know that.
So while this summer's events didnt go exactly as planned, I am ok, actually I am better than ok. I love my life, I love every aspect of it and couldn't ask for more at this point. I am eagerly awaiting fall, its my favorite season, and for the challenges and experiences it will bring with.
Since we all know there isnt much of a hope for me updating my blog again before September; GOODBYE SUMMER, and HELLO FALL!
So whats new in my life? Not a lot, working, and I love my job! I love my co-works and my boss and the environment...I lucked out big time.
On another note, I CANNOT believe summer is almost over! I don't know where the time has gone. And while this summer didn't go exactly how I wanted its much better. Im a firm believer that things happen for a reason, people come into your lives as you need them, and some don't stay forever. And honestly? Thats ok. Because with each person there is something to learn, and one day there will be a person who IS going to stick around forever, and I know that.
So while this summer's events didnt go exactly as planned, I am ok, actually I am better than ok. I love my life, I love every aspect of it and couldn't ask for more at this point. I am eagerly awaiting fall, its my favorite season, and for the challenges and experiences it will bring with.
Since we all know there isnt much of a hope for me updating my blog again before September; GOODBYE SUMMER, and HELLO FALL!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Time for an update?
Yeah. I think so.
So whats new with me? Well, let me tell you, TONS.
1. I have a fantastic job, that I absolutely love (most days).
2. I start working with my very own clients at said job.
3. I bought a really awesome car.
4. Thanks to previously mentioned fantastic job the car is all MINE.
Over the past couple of months I have really learned that patience is a vitrue. I have learned that no matter how badly you think you want/need something the Lord truly knows what you need and what is right for you, and if you trust you will get it.
I truly love where I am at in life, there is nothing I would change, things are falling into place and I am incredibly lucky.
I have about a million more ideas for updates so be prepared for a few blog entries from me in the next little while ;)
So whats new with me? Well, let me tell you, TONS.
1. I have a fantastic job, that I absolutely love (most days).
2. I start working with my very own clients at said job.
3. I bought a really awesome car.
4. Thanks to previously mentioned fantastic job the car is all MINE.
Over the past couple of months I have really learned that patience is a vitrue. I have learned that no matter how badly you think you want/need something the Lord truly knows what you need and what is right for you, and if you trust you will get it.
I truly love where I am at in life, there is nothing I would change, things are falling into place and I am incredibly lucky.
I have about a million more ideas for updates so be prepared for a few blog entries from me in the next little while ;)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Looking back, and looking forward
First, let me begin by saying sorry for not posting in ages! I've just been unmotivated to blog lately, possibly because nothing blog worthy is going on in my life right now...
But, for the last little while Ive really been thinking about my life and what I want from it. And thinking that 10 years from now will I be happy with the decisions Ive made? And I can honestly say, although my life isn't necessarily where I thought it would be right now, that I have absolutely NO regrets. While I do wish certain things were different I know that its all part of a greater plan, a plan that Im not privy to seeing just yet, and I do trust that it will all work out the way its supposed to be. But that doesn't mean I don't wonder if Im currently making the right choices. If Im helping my life along the path I want it to go.
I think all through school, up until college, I had this idea that by the time I was 21 I'd have a job, possibly a husband/family, all of it. Which is silly, but considering the amount of people in my graduating class that ARE indeed married maybe its not so silly? Side note; I feel extremely behind compared to them. But ya know, I thought by 21 Id have it all together and know what I want and where my life is going and all that grand stuff. But my 21st birthday is fast approaching, summer will be over before I know it and I don't have any of that worked out yet. Which was/is slightly unnerving to me. I am a planner. And the fact that none of these plans I had are actually working out is terrifying. I am the type of person to plan weeks, if not months, in advance, and if something unexpected or last minute came up I would avoid it if at all possible. Which Im starting to realize is crazy. Which is maybe part of my greater plan, the plan I don't really know the details of. Because now that my initial plan isn't working out, Im learning that maybe I don't need one at all.
I am learning to be spontaneous. I think its driving my family, especially my mother, nuts. But Im loving it. I used to be a stickler for time, and not that Im late now, but Im not early for things really. Which most of you who are reading are probably thinking umm ok? BUT I use to get incredibly anxious if I wasnt early, really early, for anything. So the fact that I can be on time, is huge for me. Im learning to really love each day, that if whatever I had planned doesn't work out its ok, its not a big deal. And I am learning that sometimes, the things you don't plan for are the most rewarding. Im learning that I am SO much more capable than I thought I was, heck, I donated blood a few weeks ago, ME, me who is TERRIFIED of needles, who the last time I had blood drawn had to have my dad with me because I was so scared, I donated blood. And yes, it was scary, BUT it was awesome. Not only because I saved up to three lives ;) but because I challenged myself and I did it. And Im doing it again in August, (if anybody wants to join me Id love that, its not as bad as youre thinking!)
I feel like Im rambling haha....even though my life right now isn't what I had planned, and it took me a long time to accept that my plans failed, I love my life. I love every bit of it, I love ENJOYING it. And as for the future, I don't have plans. I have goals of course, but no plans. Well thats a lie, I have a couple "plans"
1. ENJOY life, every moment of it because it is truly precious and you never know how long you will get to enjoy it for.
2. NO regrets, absolutely none.
Those are my plans, my only plans, because I know that somebody else has a plan especially for me, and if Im willing to listen and follow, I will have exactly what Im meant to have, when Im meant to have it.
But, for the last little while Ive really been thinking about my life and what I want from it. And thinking that 10 years from now will I be happy with the decisions Ive made? And I can honestly say, although my life isn't necessarily where I thought it would be right now, that I have absolutely NO regrets. While I do wish certain things were different I know that its all part of a greater plan, a plan that Im not privy to seeing just yet, and I do trust that it will all work out the way its supposed to be. But that doesn't mean I don't wonder if Im currently making the right choices. If Im helping my life along the path I want it to go.
I think all through school, up until college, I had this idea that by the time I was 21 I'd have a job, possibly a husband/family, all of it. Which is silly, but considering the amount of people in my graduating class that ARE indeed married maybe its not so silly? Side note; I feel extremely behind compared to them. But ya know, I thought by 21 Id have it all together and know what I want and where my life is going and all that grand stuff. But my 21st birthday is fast approaching, summer will be over before I know it and I don't have any of that worked out yet. Which was/is slightly unnerving to me. I am a planner. And the fact that none of these plans I had are actually working out is terrifying. I am the type of person to plan weeks, if not months, in advance, and if something unexpected or last minute came up I would avoid it if at all possible. Which Im starting to realize is crazy. Which is maybe part of my greater plan, the plan I don't really know the details of. Because now that my initial plan isn't working out, Im learning that maybe I don't need one at all.
I am learning to be spontaneous. I think its driving my family, especially my mother, nuts. But Im loving it. I used to be a stickler for time, and not that Im late now, but Im not early for things really. Which most of you who are reading are probably thinking umm ok? BUT I use to get incredibly anxious if I wasnt early, really early, for anything. So the fact that I can be on time, is huge for me. Im learning to really love each day, that if whatever I had planned doesn't work out its ok, its not a big deal. And I am learning that sometimes, the things you don't plan for are the most rewarding. Im learning that I am SO much more capable than I thought I was, heck, I donated blood a few weeks ago, ME, me who is TERRIFIED of needles, who the last time I had blood drawn had to have my dad with me because I was so scared, I donated blood. And yes, it was scary, BUT it was awesome. Not only because I saved up to three lives ;) but because I challenged myself and I did it. And Im doing it again in August, (if anybody wants to join me Id love that, its not as bad as youre thinking!)
I feel like Im rambling haha....even though my life right now isn't what I had planned, and it took me a long time to accept that my plans failed, I love my life. I love every bit of it, I love ENJOYING it. And as for the future, I don't have plans. I have goals of course, but no plans. Well thats a lie, I have a couple "plans"
1. ENJOY life, every moment of it because it is truly precious and you never know how long you will get to enjoy it for.
2. NO regrets, absolutely none.
Those are my plans, my only plans, because I know that somebody else has a plan especially for me, and if Im willing to listen and follow, I will have exactly what Im meant to have, when Im meant to have it.
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